Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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