You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
