I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
