Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
