Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
