I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
