you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
