I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
