My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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