If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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