If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
