well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
