I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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