Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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