we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize