listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
