Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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