Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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