Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I looked at my own cervix.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
