I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
