god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
