just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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