May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
