I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
