After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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