Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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