saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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