You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
