life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
