Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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