Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
