I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize