Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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