Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
