I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
