I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
