I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
