I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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