hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
