i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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