'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Pants are for mortals
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
