i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
