This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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