kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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