And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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