Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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