Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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