My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
