his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize