When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
