I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
