my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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