Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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