I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I forget how to act sober
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
