Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize