i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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