pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
