Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I party with great urgency now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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