Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
someone owes me an orgasm
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
