Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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