My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
