the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize