great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
not ubering you a puppy
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
