Are we in a gay sports bar?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
