I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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