ugly people sure do ruin things
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
