Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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