If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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