we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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